Leaks and Creeps: A Comey/Trump Dialogue

Trump is sitting behind his desk in the oval office. Comey enters and sits.

Trump: Hey Gigantor, how’s your hammer hangin’?

Comey: *silence*

Trump: I wanted to talk to you about this golden shower thing. Its ridiculous. I don’t want Melania to think it might be true. Pee? Its disgusting. Hookers? I don’t need hookers. I got no problem getting women. No problem at all. I could give you some tips sometime. Could you investigate this stuff and prove its fake news?

Comey: Oh no, sir. Its so hard to prove that something is a lie, and besides, we wouldn’t want anyone to think that you were under investigation.

Trump: About that, absolutely everyone thinks that I’m under investigation. Could you tell them I’m not?

Comey: No can do. Get someone else to do it.

Trump: Why the fuck not?

Comey:  (holds up his hands) Wow, look at the size of my hands. They’re enormous. Want to compare hand size?

Trump: Uh, nevermind. I hate all these leaks coming out. Isn’t it terrible. All these leaks?

Comey: It is just terrible. But hey, there’s nothing you can do about it. Leakers gonna leak, you know.

Trump: Maybe we could ask the reporters who is leaking to them. That has worked before.

Comey: I don’t think so.

Trump: You wouldn’t leak on me, would you Jimmy, would ya?

Comey: Never sir. I’m not a leaker. Let me just jot down a note to myself here. (Pulls out notebook with “Future Leaks” written on the cover and writes “loves being peed on, has to pay for sex” in it)

Trump:  Let me ask you about this McCabe guy. He seems pretty conflicted. Shouldn’t we just get rid of him?

Comey: Absolutely not! Andy is a true pro. He’s a man of enormous integrity. Unlike you, you giant spray-tanned turd.

Trump:  I gotta ask you something. I know that everyone in DC hates me with a passion. I know you hate me with every fiber of your being. So, do you think you can be loyal me as the president or will you violated the law and your personal ethics just to try to screw with me?

Comey: Well, frankly I’m a little offended that you would ever think I would be loyal to you, you pudgy fuck.

Trump: Hey, can I fire you?

Comey: Oh yeah, absolutely. I serve at your pleasure. You’re not under investigation or anything. The FBI is full of professionals. No ongoing investigations will be affected if I leave. And hey, there would be no hard feelings at all and I definitely wouldn’t leak anything and everything I can as soon as you do. In a way I wish you would. Just do it. Do it. Do it. DO IT MOTHERFUCKER!

Trump: Ok, I gotta admit, I like being the tallest guy in the room, so you’re fired.

Comey: WAT?!?!? YOU CAN’T FIRE ME! YOU’RE UNDER INVESTIGATION!! THAT’S OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE! ONLY I CAN TAKE YOU DOWN!! I WILL BE THE SAVIOR OF THIS NATION!

Comey storms out.

Trump, to himself: What a dork…Hey, I wonder if they’re talking about me on Fox.

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