1. The opening title crawl says the republic has been defeated and now the First Order are running shit and the resistance are basically dead too. So, I guess they blew up starkiller base a little too late? It seems like that didn’t accomplish anything. It didn’t seem to slow down the First Order at all.
2. In the opening battle scene Poe shoots off all the exterior cannons from a “dreadnought” which is a powerful First Order ship. It doesn’t seem that hard to do. Then he says we have use the opportunity to take out the dreadnought even though the First Order controls the entire galaxy and presumably has a shitload of ships. So destroying one when the rebel fleet is tiny and they could all just escape doesn’t make much sense. But they decide to go ahead and a bunch of comical b-52 bomber spaceships fly over the dreadnought and attempt to release their payloads in an overly complicated way. Rather than having a button that the pilot can just press, it seems that someone in the “bomber bay” has to open the doors (why doesn’t the air rush out?) and then someone else has to press a garage door opener to make the silly looking spherical bombs fall down.
All but one of these bombers get blown up before they can release their bombs and somehow none of their payload makes it to the dreadnought or has any effect on it. Then the last bomber manages to release its bombs and somehow, even though they say the dreadnought has extremely tough armor, the bombs manage to blow up the entire massive ship. What kind of bombs are these? Why can’t they shoot them at the ship from a distance rather than using nonexistent gravity to carry them there?
3. After the disastrous kamikaze mission to destroy the dreadnought, the rebels (or resistance or whatever) decide to escape. Unbeknownst to them, the First Order has developed the ability to track them through light speed travel so when the rebels slow down the first order are right behind them. This shows that the first order seem to be the only innovators in the galaxy because aside from BB-8 everything else looks exactly as it did in the original trilogy. Finn and Poe and a girl named Rose come up with a complicated plan to disable the light speed tracking based on many unproven assumptions. Finn and Rose then escape at lights peed In an escape pod for some casino planet. Why don’t they get as many of the rebels as possible out of there at light speed in tiny escape pods since the first order seems to have no interest in following those? They all have to die together even though they are the last hope for the galaxy?
4. Finn and Rose are going to the casino to find the one code breaker in the galaxy who can get them onto an imperial destroyer. They see the guy across the room but before they can get to him they are tased and imprisoned for illegally parking on the beach?!?Luckily, sharing a cell with them is an equally skilled code breaker who just opens the cell door when he feels like it. That’s just where he hangs out waiting for code breaking jobs I guess.
5. The criminal code breaker guy is the best character in the movie. He makes it clear that no one gives a shit about the first order or the republic or the resistance. They make money selling weapons to both sides somehow but otherwise they seem to have no interaction with any supposed galactic government. I get the sense that the average person in that galaxy interacts with the galactic government only slightly more than the average person on Earth in 2017 interacts with the government of the Milky Way.
6. Interspersed with the resistance stuff is Rey hanging out with Luke Skywalker on an island with many amusing CGI creatures. Skywalker has decided that the Jedi should die out even though he knows that there are 2 powerful Sith running the First Order. He doesn’t think the force is too dangerous for anyone to mess with. He just thinks the dark side should win.
7. At some point Luke agrees to give Rey a Jedi lesson. She closes her eyes to feel the force and immediately sees the island’s hairy butthole calling to her. Luke is very alarmed by this. Rey then goes and finds the hairy hole and falls in it and swims to a weird mirror thing that is supposed to show her her parents but just shows her her own reflection. I am betting none of that will be further explained in episode 9.
8. Rey gets angry and leaves to go hang out with Kylo Ren. Luke then decides to burn the ancient Jedi texts which he has stored in an empty tree trunk. But he hesitates so Yoda shows up and hits the tree with lightning and cackles maniacally. At this point I thought Yoda was evil and maybe they would reveal that he was Darth Plagius/Snoke the whole time and just trained Luke to kill his main Sith rivals. But no, he just destroyed the sacred texts because they weren’t fun to read.
9. The Finn/Rose/Poe plan to stop the first order from tracking the rebellion fails, so then almost all the rebels end up on slow moving transports trying to get to an abandoned planet with the First Order picking them off. The rebel 2nd in command stays on the cruiser because someone has to pilot it even though all that involves is standing around, and she makes her decision while C-3PO is standing right there. No one says “you’re the 2nd in the command. You’re too valuable. Lets just have a droid do it.” But luckily for the ploy she gets the idea to turn the cruiser around and shoot into the First Order fleet at light speed. This maneuver causes more damage than any other weapon in star wars history except maybe the Death Star/Starkiller base. And all it required was a mass and a hyperdrive which was established tech in the prequels. But somehow no one ever thought of using it before and probably they will never use it again.
10. A few rebels get to the planet and many events of varying levels of logic occur. My favorite part is that they keep calling their allies for help and even though the First Order was severely weakened by the light speed ramming, no one shows up because no one cares. The resistance is basically a terrorist cult and the First Order is just trying to exterminate them so people can go about their lives.